I'm diving deep into some 'feels' for today's post because I want to be a better person.
What does this even mean? I'm not even sure myself but I just know I want to be better, I want to grow. In my mind I've broken this down into a few categories because I think it's made it easier for me to scrutinise each one, so that's how I'm going to go through it with you guys, exactly as it is in my head...but in no particular order of importance might I add.
I want to be a better friend
Firstly friendships. The topic of 'friendships' could be an entire blog post of it's own but I'm not quite ready to dive into that cesspool just yet. Instead I'm just going to say that I often shy away from having friends, real friends, because unfortunately my past experiences haven't been particularly positive ones, so I close myself off. But I do have a handful of people in my life that I can actually class as real friends and I think I need to make more effort with them. I've come to the conclusion that everyone is busy in life, and that just because my career is quite full on doesn't mean that other people don't have shit to deal with as well. I have a non-blogger friend, yes that's the technical term, she was a work colleague from a job I had over 7 years ago and we had the best time at work, all we did was laugh and it made that shitty job a whole lot better. We lost our connection for a few years for one reason or another ('just busy' probably) and the next thing I know, she's had a baby and is engaged...and I couldn't be happier for her. I've seen her a couple of times over the last few months and it's been lovely, the humour we share is still there as is that initial connection. I can't even begin to tell you how refreshing it is to chat to someone about something other than blogging/YouTube. Of course she gets curious and asks me questions about it but we just have normal chats about normal life things, and I love it. But I need to make more effort because this kind of relationship is hard to come by.
I also have a blogger friend who I often feel like I neglect and don't make enough time for. I feel like I haven't always been the best friend I can be when she's needed me and over the last 5-6 years of knowing her, I have probably been a dick on a few occasions too (this industry can do that to you). Friendships with other bloggers can be very delicate, they can be destructive, they can be more hassle than they're worth but if you find the right one they can be wonderful. This is a person who knows exactly what you're going through when you have a shitty day or when a brand hasn't paid an invoice they offer an ear to whine at and possibly some advice, free of charge. The specific 'feels' that come with being in this industry are understood completely by a fellow blogger, because the chances are they've felt the same at some point. These are often very valuable friendships to have, and when I say valuable I don't mean in a business sense, but in a personal sense. I'm working on this friendship, making time, checking in, and just generally thinking about her rather than myself because it's a friendship that I don't want to lose.
I want to be a better wife
Ok we're not your average couple, we live together and work together so we have double the amount of pressure to deal with. We're both human and we both make mistakes from time to time but Simon is one in a million and I think I could be a better wife. I dedicate so much time to you guys, in fact we both do. We sit in bed in an evening and I make sure that I have read all my YouTube comments, given them a heart and replied to as many as possible. Simon replies from his own account to anyone asking him a question or giving him (or one of his many hats) a complement, and he gives a thumbs up to every single comment, it's his way of saying thank you for interacting with us. But I take it to another level, and I don't for one second want you guys to feel like we don't enjoy interacting with you, because we do, but I think that maybe some of this time should be dedicated to him. The lines of our relationship are blurred, it's very difficult to switch off 'work life' and go into 'home life' mode because the two are merged, home life is work life and vice versa. Simon also cooks all of our meals and despite this being because I can't cook for shit, he does it because he loves me. He puts up with my mood swings, and he often bears the brunt of whatever self loathing thoughts I'm having from time to time. He keeps me grounded, he stops me from turning into a blogger-knob (another technical term for you there) and he makes me laugh on a daily basis which is probably the most valuable aspect of a relationship for me. He works so hard on our videos, I don't have to tell you guys that as I'm sure you can see it yourself, but I don't think I give him enough credit and I certainly don't say thank you as much as I should do. I can admit that I take him for granted and I think I just need to dedicate more time, and again, more effort to him.
I want to be a better daughter
I sound like a broken record here but I can be quite selfish at times, there's that only child syndrome again. I can sometimes go for weeks without speaking to my mum and when I say speaking I mean Whatsapping, we probably haven't spoken on the phone in over a year. I don't make the time to call her, or my dad, and as we live so far away from each other I really need to work on this, BIG TIME. I have so much fun with my mum, as you guys might have seen on my YouTube channel and as much as we are alike, we are also very different. But the funny thing is, I witnessed this exact same relationship that she had with my Grandma. Occasionally getting frustrated and a bit 'short' with her because maybe her views were a bit outdated or maybe she was waffling on about something for just a bit too long, I'm the exact same with Mum. I know my Mum and Dad are incredibly proud of me, and Simon, and I know they both understand that we lead a very hectic and busy life, but I need to make more time for just checking in with them and asking how they are.
I want to be a better human being
I'm so very lucky to have this job and all the perks that come with it. Yes I worked for it all, I never gave up, but I do understand that I'm very fortunate to be in this position. I used to sell some of my unused beauty products on Depop, they were more often than not PR gifts that I was never going to use for whatever reason. I mentioned doing this in one of my weekly vlogs and a few people commented and said they were disappointed to hear that I was doing that. That word, 'disappointed' really hit me hard. I read through their comments and their point of view was that these products cost me nothing and that I am in a position where I am fortunate enough to not have to buy lots of beauty products, therefore they should be donated to women who need them. If I'm being honest, I had never even considered doing this before, but what scared me most is that it had never even occurred to me to do this. I am honest enough to admit that I am selfish, I always want more, and this handful of comments really hit home, and for that I'm very grateful. I think lots of YouTubers consider these kind of comments to be 'hate' but it's actually constructive criticism and I value these comments equally as much as the really lovely positive ones, because they make me stop and think, rationalise, and change.
There are lots of things I'm looking into at the moment to support various charities, including my number one passion, dogs. I just want to help more, wherever and however I can, even if it's just spreading the word on social media, donating a few lipsticks or getting involved in that protest. I know I can be a better person so it't time to get my ass into gear and do it.